Saturday, December 25, 2004
So, you might be wondering why I'm sitting in my room typing on my computer instead of opening presents and being happy with family...
Well, let me tell you. Prime example. My mother just walked in and said, "I thought you'd be in the shower...?" I said, "I thought we were opening presents first.." and she just said, "I don't know what we're doing..." and shut my door.
Nice Christmas morning, eh?
Fuck this shit.
Ever since I was little, I always wanted to wake up to the smell of my mom cooking breakfast.. I wanted to walk out into the living room and look around at the Christmas tree and all the presents and decorations.. and.. we'd all sit around the table and eat breakfast before we'd open presents. I've always wondered what that anticipation would feel like.
I used to LOVE Christmas.
But only when I was in California.. surrounded by people I love. Everything was happier..
At least, despite anything that happened in that time.. I was happy because I didn't know what was going on.. I didn't want to know. Don't they always say "ignorance is bliss"?
This is going to be a long day. And I'm not looking forward to any of it with the exception of tonight with Jalon. We're going to a movie.
I woke up this morning to my mother in a pissed off mood because of Cecil. And I can't say anything to him because it would "ruin the day". Here's a bullshit example of what he's like. Last night, my best friend Lance came over. Cecil doesn't like him. At all. So, when Cecil heard that Lance was coming over, he said, "Oh, well, I'm just going to go to bed then."
How immature and childish can you get?
I don't know. All I know is that I've been up for an hour and its felt like an eternity.
I'm tired of everyone not being happy. I'm tired of Cecil being immature and judgemental and stupid.. quite frankly.
I'm tired of missing Christmas.
I'm tired of having to spend meaningless holidays with people I don't care about instead of spending it with the people I actually love.
I'm tired of not being able to see the ones I love on a daily basis..
I want to go home. I miss California.
I want to go home..
never come back
never look back
I just want to be with my REAL family.
And it's killing me that I can't.
Merry Fucking Christmas.
Left her mark at |10:30 AM|
Thursday, December 16, 2004
You know.. I really wish I could meet more people like Jalon. She's really cool, and she's smart and funny.. and she's a good friend. She's the kind of person that gives me faith that there are still people out there who really do care about others and who know how to be a genuinely good friend.
I'll write more in a minute.. but for now.. I would just like to say that there should be more people like her.. this world would be a better place.
Loves to all!
Left her mark at |6:57 PM|
".. she dreams of finding a solution to the seemingly never ending problem. But she knows there's no answer. There never will be an answer. So she'll spend her life looking for something that doesn't exist; waiting for something that will never come, and wishing for something that is anything but what she already has."
.. I wrote that like, a couple of weeks ago.
I'm.. not happy right now. And.. I know it's because of myself. I'm causing me to feel this way and I.. don't know how to dismiss it.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm in a dark room.. with no one there.. just me.. and.. there are people on the outside. And I'm yelling and screaming for someone to open the door and let some light in, but no one will listen. They just look in the window and scoff and walk right by. And.. in this room.. I'm sobbing and just.. completely submerged in my own tears and no one cares. They just go about their lives like nothing around them is real.. that it's all "perfect" and everything "happens for a reason" so they leave it be. No one tries to fix anything. No one tries to make anything better. They all just walk around like everything will fix itself. And.. I'm on the inside seeing all of these horrible things happening and since I'm locked in this room, I can't get out to fix anything. And I feel helpless.. I feel.. trapped because I'm being held from what I really want to be doing. And it's killing me.
There's so much pain and suffering in this world.. and it feels like no one cares.. it feels like no one wants to do anything.. because even if someone is part of a "stop world hunger" funding program, technically, they're helping the "world", but what about how they act to others? Hurting others and being mean and hateful and just.. being "human" (sad that being mean is the new standard for man kind) is just as destructive and painful as famine and war. And.. it just.. it kills me.
There are so many things that I want to do.. that I wish I COULD do to just make things better all around me. I want others to see the beauty in the world that I do. I want others to feel this love like I do. I just.. I want all of the best for everyone and it hurts me that I can't give it to them.
I'm just.. in a weird mood.
And I don't like it.
Aren't I supposed to be happy?
... Oh how I wait for that day.
Left her mark at |6:15 PM|
I'm... bored. And.. Tiffany and Leah are together.. and Leah won't answer her phone and Tiffany won't answer my i.m.'s and I know she's there because whenever I send one it says "***** is typing" and then it stops and she doesn't answer. So I type another message and it says the same thing and it stops.. which means she closed the window which means she's not talking to me. And I can't get ahold of Leah.. so.. I'm just like, "Whatever."
Tiffany and I are friends now.. and I absolutely adore her.. she's a great girl.. but I'm still jealous of her and Leah. They've been spending a lot of time together lately, and.. I'm feeling excluded. And I hate that feeling more than anything. So.. I'm stuck. In my own little rut that I've dug for myself.
I really should be cleaning, but I haven't started.. nor do I want to. I'm supposed to help mom decorate the tree tonight.. she forgot that I was supposed to go to the car thing with Tiffany and was like, "You and me are decorating the tree tonight!" So I'm just like... ok.. let me tell Tiffany. And that's when she ignored my i.m.'s.
I really hate being jealous. :( Leah's my BEST friend. I mean, I've got a lot of best friends.. but she's the best right now.. and I'd like to keep it that way. :(
I don't know. I'm being ridiculous.
I just.. :( Jealousy sucks.
It sucks big time.
I don't really know how Leah feels.. I mean, I know she says I'm her best friend.. and I was her Maid of Honor at her wedding... but if someone else would have been there, would that still be the case? I just.. feel like we're drifting... and that kills me.. because we've done this before.. and I didn't like it the first time.. and I don't like it now.
Granted, yes, I've been busy.. REALLY busy, so I haven't had a lot of time to spend with anyone.. and Leah's been busy with Hannah.. but.. I just.. I want to spend more time with her and even though I love Tiffany to death.. I feel as if I'm being replaced. :( That's the OTHER bad feeling I hate.
There's nothing that hurts more than feeling like you're being replaced by someone else and that you're not wanted in any equation.
I don't know. I'll get over it.
I'll spend tonight alone I guess.
Left her mark at |5:58 PM|
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
I haven't really written much lately...
Correction... I haven't written lately. At all. I've been busy.
Lance is throwing a hissy fit because I haven't been spending time with him, so he's pissed off because all of my attention should be focused on him and it's not.
He can just get over that.
He doesn't understand how busy I get. And he doesn't understand why I can't spend every waking moment with him. He never will.
He should be happy that I'm going to college.. that I'm doing something good for my life.. and he should understand that my time is limited. He should be a good friend and realize this. But he doesn't, and I don't know what to do about that.
Him and Tiffany have been hanging out lately... almost regret introducing them. But oh well. If he can't be happy for me and if he can't understand what's really going on, then he shouldn't be on my list of friends.
I'm in class right now... we're about to do a survey... so.. hold please.
Ok... we're back. Those surveys are getting on my nerves. This is like, the third one I've done and they're ALL the same.
Jeff is freaking out.
Haha. There's this girl in this class we call "Surprise" because her eyebrows are SO freaking high up on her face that she looks like she's surprised all the time. Anyway, she's "ghetto". She thinks she's black, and she's not. She's all... ... anyway. She's really getting on Jeff's nerves, so he keeps singing, "Caucasion, caucasion... you think you're black but you're not.. you're CAUCASION."
ha.. Love it all.
Everyone here has nicknames...
Jeff is "The Canadian"
Chris Sweet is "Sweet"
This stupid guy that sat next to me in Fundamentals of Design that flirted with the teacher on the first day of school is called "Teacher's boyfriend".
There's just a bunch of them...
Walter is "Kronkite" ... I spelt that wrong... I don't care.. lol..
This has been a great first quarter.
I've made more friends than I thought I would. Jalon, Shaddai, Shaila, Jeff, Lucas, Matty, Walter, Charles and there's this really nice girl named Sherry who I've talked to a couple of times.
The people here are really cool. I like it here..
Well, I'm gonna go play on the internet... our teacher isn't in the room, and I'm done with that gay ass survey.
I love you all..
I'll update more often..
OOH.... remind me to write about the sarcastic message Lance left on my phone.
HE's A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!
Left her mark at |12:35 AM|
Friday, December 10, 2004
Oh my gosh. I just read this article.... it's.... it's...
Read it yourself and.. just...
Teacher Faces Fine for Using Doorstop
Mon Dec 6, 5:04 PM ET Strange News - AP
CHARLESTON, W.Va. - A teacher faces a fine of up to $1,000 and 90 days in jail because she propped open her classroom door with a rubber doorstop.
Assistant Fire Marshal Charles Vanatter issued the state fire code violation citation and confiscated the doorstop during a visit to Mountain View Elementary and Middle School in Union on Nov. 9. A court date has not been set.
State Fire Marshal Sterling Lewis Jr. said the corridor wall that contains the door is a smoke partition and the door must be able to close if there is a fire to hinder the spread of smoke. He said not all doors in the building fall under that designation, so some can be propped open legally and some can't.
Sixth-grade teacher Susanna Robinson said her door was not labeled a smoke partition. She said the windows in her classroom do not open, teachers have been told not to adjust the thermostat and the room is too hot when it is filled with students.
Asked if he thought taking Robinson to court over the doorstop was extreme, Lewis said: "You can look at it two different ways. From the general public's standpoint, yeah, I can see that. But from our standpoint, we're responsible for the safety of all the schoolkids in the state."
Fire marshals routinely make unannounced visits to public schools to check for violations.
Left her mark at |10:02 AM|
Thursday, December 02, 2004
*For Some Reason...*
... I just feel like typing. I don't know why... I just like the feel of the buttons under my fingers. There's something soothing about it.. I suppose.
I was having a fine day until I talked to Leah. :( I really don't feel like typing it out right now, because it's a little too much for me to handle.. but, when it settles in and I become ok with it, then I'll write about it.
I'm watching "All Grown Up" right now... it's the Rugrats in big-kid form. :)
It's a really cute show.
I watched Spongebob Squarepants earlier... it.. was ok. I normally like that cartoon, but today, it was lacking.
I've already seen this episode. I think it sucked.
....... I think I'm done typing.
I'm already running out of things to ramble about...
I love you all very much...
Jayme Lyn Murphy.
Left her mark at |4:47 PM|
[[*To leave a note, scroll down.*]]|
Name : Jayme Lyn
DOB : May 25th, 1986
Alias : JL, Angel, Pixie
College: Art Institute of Dallas