Friday, January 28, 2005

*Sometimes...*

I'm back in that place.. that place of sadness and fear. The place that I feel has such a hold on me..
I suppose that happens when you lose someone you care about and that you love so much. That's what happens when you lose a best friend. It would be different if we had hated each other when we said goodbye.. but when they tell you that they still love you and that you'll always be considered one of the best things in their lives at that certain time.. it's really hard to let go.
I never thought anything could affect me like this again. But when it hit.. it hit hard.
It's gone.. and.. the year passed all too quickly. Almost a year to the day we began our beautiful friendship, it has ended... and it leaves me with a feeling of nostalgia.

I know that feeling of nostalgia all too well. While I'd like to look towards the future and see the beautiful, great things to come, it's always a bit depressing to say goodbye to the current times that had served me so well. Just like you never realize what you had until it's gone.. time passes too quickly for us to see it while we're in its presence. I'm in one of those places right now.
I hope this year brings you much happiness and comfort and I hope it goes by at just the right pace so you can see everything and take it all in and savor every moment. This I do wish for you...

Left her mark at |12:42 PM|

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Monday, January 10, 2005

*Hey!*

Sorry I haven't written in so long... I've been out and about and doing stuffs..
So anyway..
Happy New Year everyone! Hope all is well.
Things are good here.. I started school again today..
I don't think I like this teacher.. but I'll just have to get over that.
We had a ny2005 party at Leah and Donald's apartment.. that was fun.. hehe.. a little TOO fun.. At least.. what I can remember of it...
My GPA for last quarter was a 3.4 ... not bad.. but I can do better.
I have to get braces in 11 weeks... and they have to stay on for 16-18 months..
Grand.. grand grand grand.
That's all I have to say about that. *hits self... "damn metal mouth..."*

Well, I guess that's all the updates I have...
Oh.. Donald leaves for the army tomorrow.. :( I'm gonna miss him.. he's like my brother.. and Leah's like my sister.. and it's upsetting that one of my family members is leaving.. and it kills me what Leah has to go through.. poor little Hannah, too.
He'll be back in 11 weeks though.. but then they leave to get stationed somewhere.. :(

I'll cope.. we all will.
Well, I love you all.. and I'll try to update more often....

Jayme Lyn

Left her mark at |1:44 PM|

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Saturday, December 25, 2004

*Um..*

Merry... Christmas?
Hardly.
So, you might be wondering why I'm sitting in my room typing on my computer instead of opening presents and being happy with family...
Well, let me tell you. Prime example. My mother just walked in and said, "I thought you'd be in the shower...?" I said, "I thought we were opening presents first.." and she just said, "I don't know what we're doing..." and shut my door.
Nice Christmas morning, eh?
Fuck this shit.

Ever since I was little, I always wanted to wake up to the smell of my mom cooking breakfast.. I wanted to walk out into the living room and look around at the Christmas tree and all the presents and decorations.. and.. we'd all sit around the table and eat breakfast before we'd open presents. I've always wondered what that anticipation would feel like.
I used to LOVE Christmas.
But only when I was in California.. surrounded by people I love. Everything was happier..
At least, despite anything that happened in that time.. I was happy because I didn't know what was going on.. I didn't want to know. Don't they always say "ignorance is bliss"?
This is going to be a long day. And I'm not looking forward to any of it with the exception of tonight with Jalon. We're going to a movie.

I woke up this morning to my mother in a pissed off mood because of Cecil. And I can't say anything to him because it would "ruin the day". Here's a bullshit example of what he's like. Last night, my best friend Lance came over. Cecil doesn't like him. At all. So, when Cecil heard that Lance was coming over, he said, "Oh, well, I'm just going to go to bed then."
How immature and childish can you get?
I don't know. All I know is that I've been up for an hour and its felt like an eternity.
I'm tired of everyone not being happy. I'm tired of Cecil being immature and judgemental and stupid.. quite frankly.
I'm tired of missing Christmas.
I'm tired of having to spend meaningless holidays with people I don't care about instead of spending it with the people I actually love.
I'm tired of not being able to see the ones I love on a daily basis..
I'm just..
I want to go home. I miss California.
I want to go home..
just leave
never come back
never look back
I just want to be with my REAL family.
And it's killing me that I can't.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

Left her mark at |10:30 AM|

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Thursday, December 16, 2004

*Awh, Jalon*

You know.. I really wish I could meet more people like Jalon. She's really cool, and she's smart and funny.. and she's a good friend. She's the kind of person that gives me faith that there are still people out there who really do care about others and who know how to be a genuinely good friend.
I'll write more in a minute.. but for now.. I would just like to say that there should be more people like her.. this world would be a better place.


Loves to all!
-Jayme Lyn

Left her mark at |6:57 PM|

*Hm*

".. she dreams of finding a solution to the seemingly never ending problem. But she knows there's no answer. There never will be an answer. So she'll spend her life looking for something that doesn't exist; waiting for something that will never come, and wishing for something that is anything but what she already has."

.. I wrote that like, a couple of weeks ago.
I'm.. not happy right now. And.. I know it's because of myself. I'm causing me to feel this way and I.. don't know how to dismiss it.

:(

Well..
Sometimes I feel as if I'm in a dark room.. with no one there.. just me.. and.. there are people on the outside. And I'm yelling and screaming for someone to open the door and let some light in, but no one will listen. They just look in the window and scoff and walk right by. And.. in this room.. I'm sobbing and just.. completely submerged in my own tears and no one cares. They just go about their lives like nothing around them is real.. that it's all "perfect" and everything "happens for a reason" so they leave it be. No one tries to fix anything. No one tries to make anything better. They all just walk around like everything will fix itself. And.. I'm on the inside seeing all of these horrible things happening and since I'm locked in this room, I can't get out to fix anything. And I feel helpless.. I feel.. trapped because I'm being held from what I really want to be doing. And it's killing me.
There's so much pain and suffering in this world.. and it feels like no one cares.. it feels like no one wants to do anything.. because even if someone is part of a "stop world hunger" funding program, technically, they're helping the "world", but what about how they act to others? Hurting others and being mean and hateful and just.. being "human" (sad that being mean is the new standard for man kind) is just as destructive and painful as famine and war. And.. it just.. it kills me.
There are so many things that I want to do.. that I wish I COULD do to just make things better all around me. I want others to see the beauty in the world that I do. I want others to feel this love like I do. I just.. I want all of the best for everyone and it hurts me that I can't give it to them.

I'm just.. in a weird mood.
And I don't like it.
Aren't I supposed to be happy?
... Oh how I wait for that day.

Left her mark at |6:15 PM|

*Well*

I'm... bored. And.. Tiffany and Leah are together.. and Leah won't answer her phone and Tiffany won't answer my i.m.'s and I know she's there because whenever I send one it says "***** is typing" and then it stops and she doesn't answer. So I type another message and it says the same thing and it stops.. which means she closed the window which means she's not talking to me. And I can't get ahold of Leah.. so.. I'm just like, "Whatever."

Tiffany and I are friends now.. and I absolutely adore her.. she's a great girl.. but I'm still jealous of her and Leah. They've been spending a lot of time together lately, and.. I'm feeling excluded. And I hate that feeling more than anything. So.. I'm stuck. In my own little rut that I've dug for myself.
I really should be cleaning, but I haven't started.. nor do I want to. I'm supposed to help mom decorate the tree tonight.. she forgot that I was supposed to go to the car thing with Tiffany and was like, "You and me are decorating the tree tonight!" So I'm just like... ok.. let me tell Tiffany. And that's when she ignored my i.m.'s.

I really hate being jealous. :( Leah's my BEST friend. I mean, I've got a lot of best friends.. but she's the best right now.. and I'd like to keep it that way. :(

I don't know. I'm being ridiculous.
I just.. :( Jealousy sucks.
It sucks big time.

I don't really know how Leah feels.. I mean, I know she says I'm her best friend.. and I was her Maid of Honor at her wedding... but if someone else would have been there, would that still be the case? I just.. feel like we're drifting... and that kills me.. because we've done this before.. and I didn't like it the first time.. and I don't like it now.
Granted, yes, I've been busy.. REALLY busy, so I haven't had a lot of time to spend with anyone.. and Leah's been busy with Hannah.. but.. I just.. I want to spend more time with her and even though I love Tiffany to death.. I feel as if I'm being replaced. :( That's the OTHER bad feeling I hate.
There's nothing that hurts more than feeling like you're being replaced by someone else and that you're not wanted in any equation.

I don't know. I'll get over it.
I'll spend tonight alone I guess.

:-/

Left her mark at |5:58 PM|

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

*Sorry!!*

I haven't really written much lately...
Correction... I haven't written lately. At all. I've been busy.
Lance is throwing a hissy fit because I haven't been spending time with him, so he's pissed off because all of my attention should be focused on him and it's not.
He can just get over that.
He doesn't understand how busy I get. And he doesn't understand why I can't spend every waking moment with him. He never will.
He should be happy that I'm going to college.. that I'm doing something good for my life.. and he should understand that my time is limited. He should be a good friend and realize this. But he doesn't, and I don't know what to do about that.
Him and Tiffany have been hanging out lately... almost regret introducing them. But oh well. If he can't be happy for me and if he can't understand what's really going on, then he shouldn't be on my list of friends.
Oh well.

I'm in class right now... we're about to do a survey... so.. hold please.
Ok... we're back. Those surveys are getting on my nerves. This is like, the third one I've done and they're ALL the same.

Jeff is freaking out.
Haha. There's this girl in this class we call "Surprise" because her eyebrows are SO freaking high up on her face that she looks like she's surprised all the time. Anyway, she's "ghetto". She thinks she's black, and she's not. She's all... ... anyway. She's really getting on Jeff's nerves, so he keeps singing, "Caucasion, caucasion... you think you're black but you're not.. you're CAUCASION."



ha.. Love it all.
Everyone here has nicknames...
Jeff is "The Canadian"
Chris Sweet is "Sweet"
This stupid guy that sat next to me in Fundamentals of Design that flirted with the teacher on the first day of school is called "Teacher's boyfriend".
I'm "04"
There's just a bunch of them...
Walter is "Kronkite" ... I spelt that wrong... I don't care.. lol..
it's great.
This has been a great first quarter.
I've made more friends than I thought I would. Jalon, Shaddai, Shaila, Jeff, Lucas, Matty, Walter, Charles and there's this really nice girl named Sherry who I've talked to a couple of times.
The people here are really cool. I like it here..
Well, I'm gonna go play on the internet... our teacher isn't in the room, and I'm done with that gay ass survey.

I love you all..
I'll update more often..
LOVES!!!


OOH.... remind me to write about the sarcastic message Lance left on my phone.
HE's A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!

Left her mark at |12:35 AM|

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Friday, December 10, 2004

*How ridiculous*

Oh my gosh. I just read this article.... it's.... it's...
Holy crap.
Read it yourself and.. just...
AH!

Teacher Faces Fine for Using Doorstop

Mon Dec 6, 5:04 PM ET Strange News - AP



CHARLESTON, W.Va. - A teacher faces a fine of up to $1,000 and 90 days in jail because she propped open her classroom door with a rubber doorstop.



Assistant Fire Marshal Charles Vanatter issued the state fire code violation citation and confiscated the doorstop during a visit to Mountain View Elementary and Middle School in Union on Nov. 9. A court date has not been set.


State Fire Marshal Sterling Lewis Jr. said the corridor wall that contains the door is a smoke partition and the door must be able to close if there is a fire to hinder the spread of smoke. He said not all doors in the building fall under that designation, so some can be propped open legally and some can't.


Sixth-grade teacher Susanna Robinson said her door was not labeled a smoke partition. She said the windows in her classroom do not open, teachers have been told not to adjust the thermostat and the room is too hot when it is filled with students.


Asked if he thought taking Robinson to court over the doorstop was extreme, Lewis said: "You can look at it two different ways. From the general public's standpoint, yeah, I can see that. But from our standpoint, we're responsible for the safety of all the schoolkids in the state."


Fire marshals routinely make unannounced visits to public schools to check for violations.

Left her mark at |10:02 AM|

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Thursday, December 02, 2004

*For Some Reason...*

... I just feel like typing. I don't know why... I just like the feel of the buttons under my fingers. There's something soothing about it.. I suppose.

I was having a fine day until I talked to Leah. :( I really don't feel like typing it out right now, because it's a little too much for me to handle.. but, when it settles in and I become ok with it, then I'll write about it.

I'm watching "All Grown Up" right now... it's the Rugrats in big-kid form. :)
It's a really cute show.
I watched Spongebob Squarepants earlier... it.. was ok. I normally like that cartoon, but today, it was lacking.
I've already seen this episode. I think it sucked.

....... I think I'm done typing.
I'm already running out of things to ramble about...
I love you all very much...

Jayme Lyn Murphy.

Left her mark at |4:47 PM|

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Saturday, November 27, 2004

*...*

Sorry I haven't written in a few days. Things have been kind of... you know.

Thanksgiving day sucked. It's supposed to be all about being with your loved ones.. and.. well.. we were.. FOR 6 HOURS. There's ONLY so much of that family that I can stand. I love them, but, while I was sitting there WAITING to leave, I had 3 panic attacks. I left the house and went for a walk. I couldn't be in there any longer.
I felt completely trapped. I hate that feeling. Cecil was being an asshole to me. Mom knew it. She actually stood up for me. Which, I'll be honest, was a complete surprise. We talked about how big of a fucking asshole he is sometimes.
He told me that if I was so bored at home that maybe I should be taking more classes to fill up my time. FUCK HIM. He couldn't last one month in my school. It's not like it's hard, but all of the information would be BEYOND him. I hate him sometimes.

Tonight wasn't any better. Not because of him, but because Donald and Leah and I rushed Hannah to Children's Medical Center in Dallas. She broke out in (what looked like) chicken pox.. but as it turns out, it's something worse. They're testing for meningitis.. and something else which I can't type in here.
Poor little baby Hannah. :( She's only 3 weeks and 4 days old and.. she's really sick. Leah thinks it's her fault. But that's not it at all. The doctors came and took blood and put a catheder in and took urine.. and then they did a spinal tap. She's only 3 weeks old and she's already had a spinal tap. :(
I feel horrible for her. For anyone that reads this, whether you know Hannah or not... she's just a little angel. Please pray for her. Just, please pray.

On the brighter side, I got a new job. It's at EB Games in Rockwall. (Video games). It's sales.. it's NOT what I want to be doing but, oh well. Experience is experience, right?
$6.50 an hour starting. About 20-25 hours a week. It's better than nothing.
Maybe that will get me out of my little funk. Who knows.
I'm just really tired of feeling this way.
Maybe it's just because it's holiday time and all of MY family is far away. I really miss them. REALLY REALLY. Megan called me. She's my favorite cousin. We're SO CLOSE we're like sisters. I love her with ALL of my heart. She's the reason I still feel connected to that family. She is my little angel, she is. She's 17 and.. she's just.. such an amazing person. She's smart, she's funny, she's kind, caring, loving.. I mean.. we're just SO close.. and I can't be anywhere near her or the rest of my family for Christmas. I miss those days. It's been almost a year since I've seen or heard from my father. I talk to my step sister who lives with him more than I talk to him. That's another part of it. I guess that really doesn't matter. I probably shouldn't care. Though, as much as a I want to say "I don't care" and mean it, I don't think that's possible without my closure. I really miss Megan. We're so close that, even though we're 17 and 18 years old, we still cuddle and tell each other we love each other. I lived with her for a year and a half. Well, her and her family.. but really, it was just me and her.

Even better news:
Jeff messaged me tonight. I wasn't home, but.. still. It was nice to come home to a message from someone you care about. He's so sweet.. and.. he's just.. I think he's perfect. I'm horrible at showing emotions, I'm horrible at showing affection.. but.. I think he's absolutely amazing. There's just something about him that draws me in.. and right now, I really don't want to drift out of that. I really feel bad that I haven't talked to him in a few days.. I miss him. He makes things fun and interesting and just.. great. He said, "I wish I could make you happy..." ... if only he knew.
If only I knew where he wanted this to go.. what he wants us to be.. friends? Maybe more? I don't know. But I know what I wish.. and.. I guess that will do for now.

Well, it's 3:38 am.. and.. I'm listening to "I Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot. It's a brilliant song. It.. it's how I feel right now.

"Welcome to the planet... welcome to existence.. everyone's here. everyone's here.. everybody's watching you now... everybody waits for you now.. what happens next? What happens next?
I dare you to move... I dare you to move... I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.. I dare you to move.. I dare you to move like today never happened... like today never happened before..
Welcome to the fall out. Welcome to existence. The tension is here.. the tension is here. Between who you are and who you could be... between how it is and how it should be..
I dare you to move.. I dare you to move... I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor...I dare you to move.. I dare you to move like today never happened, today never happened..
Maybe redemption has stories to tell.. maybe forgiveness is right where you fell. Where can you run to escape from yourself... where you gonna go? Where you gonna go? Salvation is here.
I dare you to move.. I dare you to move.. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor... I dare you to move... I dare you to move like today never happened.. today never happened before."

Left her mark at |3:45 AM|

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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

*"Anything But"*

In this room, there's anything but tolerance. In this mind there's anything but peaceful silence. I hate the place where I cannot quiet my mind. I despise the place where I cannot shut out my horrible thoughts. I cannot shut out the place where the temptations to spill crimson are overwhelming. I cannot numb the aching pain and horrific anger that lies within. I cannot silence the thoughts. I cannot do any of these.
These things.. this place.. my mind.. are anything but appeased. It's hot and cold at the same time. It's dark yet bright. It's loud, but oh so very quiet.
On this night she dreams of a life taken. She dreams of something so wretched coming to an end. .. she dreams of finding a solution to the seemingly never ending problem. But she knows there's no answer. There never will be an answer. So she'll spend her life looking for something that doesn't exist; waiting for something that will never come, and wishing for something that is anything but what she already has.

-Jayme Lyn Murphy

Left her mark at |8:18 PM|

*Outsmarting the system...*

Yes. I have done it. The most simple task that anyone can pull. But I can't do it again. I WON'T do it again.
I'm not going to class tonight.
Why? Because I don't want to get caught in the rain. I don't want to get caught in the storms. And I just don't want to go.
So, I told my mother that the teacher cancelled class because he had an emergency. :)
I'm paying for this class anyway. What should it matter? I'm not going to miss anything anyway. It doesn't matter.. I'm just going to miss something for our group work, which, Jalon can fill me in on later.

I feel bad for not going, but I really don't feel like wasting the gas and I really don't feel like sitting through that class doing nothing.
It's ridiculous!!

We did nothing in class today. We had almost an hour break in digital photography. We did NOTHING.
THAT was a waste of my money. It pisses me off. I don't feel like I'm learning anything. Hopefully that will all change.

Well, I'm going to go find something to do now... even though I'm thoroughly enjoying typing right now, I'm quickly running out of things to talk about.

So, I love you all, and I hope you have a wonderful night.
I'm sure I'll update later.
LOVE LOVE!

Left her mark at |6:16 PM|

*Nothing to do*

I'm sitting in my digital photography class... just sitting.. and there's nothing to do. Everyone is taking that stupid Noel Lovitz or whatever survey. I've already taken it, so.. I'm just sitting here... trying to come up with something interesting to write about.

Nichole and I went to go see Leah and Hannah yesterday. It was fun.

... Nothing is happening. Not in class, not in life... nothing.

I'm in such a bad mood right now. I have no idea why.
I think I'm going to have mom make that appointment for me. I don't want to go on antidepressants, but, what can I do? I'm tired of being in a piss-poor mood all the time. I'm tired of being angry and pretending like everything in my head is right. I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy. I'm tired of pretending that everything is ok.
Well, I'm tired of pretending.. I want it all to actually BE ok.

I fucking hate this.


Bah.

Left her mark at |12:26 AM|

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Sunday, November 21, 2004

*Hm*

So, it's Sunday afternoon... around... 4:30.. and, I've had the house to myself for a good 2 hours.. and didn't even know it. I love it when the parents just leave and freakin.. don't tell me.
I can't get away with that shit.

Blah.
I have two papers to write, and I REALLY don't want to do them right now. But I have to have them turned in by Tuesday. I won't have time to do them tomorrow.
I really have nothing to do right now, so, logically, it would be a good thing to just get them out of the way right now. But, I can't make myself.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
I was supposed to go to Adairs with Leah and Donald and Jayson today, but mom said no.. she's kind of pissed at me.. again. And, if it's not ME that she's mad at, then there's something else going on.. and I don't know about it. I hate not knowing.
I'd rather just.. know and figure out how to deal with it then.. but when you don't know, it's really hard to judge how you SHOULD feel.

... I think I'm going to go make myself write those stupid freaking papers.

Love you all.

Jayme Lyn

"I'll have you know... even if we're HORRIBLY mangled.. there'll be no sad faces on Christmas."

Left her mark at |4:45 PM|

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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

*Rest In Peace*

Today is a sad day. And no one will understand why, even after I explain what happened... and that's ok. No one will ever understand, because you don't know what kind of people they really are.

I got up for work this morning.. just like I do every Wednesday.. and.. I got there about 11:15. I walk up to the front doors, and, there is a note taped on both double doors that says, "Doc's Lake Shack would like to thank our customers for their patronage and support throughout the years. However, we are now closed because the business sold out."
I couldn't believe my eyes. I walked around the side (because the front doors were locked) and Jena was walking up, crying. I said, "What the fuck is going on?" and she said, "We don't have jobs anymore. Doc's got sold." So, I asked if Daniella was there.. Jena said yes.. I went inside, only to find Scott (the partial owner), Kristen, and Daniella setting up boxes to start packing things up. I asked Scott what happened, and he told me that, this morning, Doc's sold to Snuffers and that we had 48 hours to get all of our stuff out. I cried.. and I hugged him.. I don't know why, because I hate him, but, nonetheless, I hugged him. And, I went and hugged Daniella.. and we cried. And.. I started packing boxes.
The thing I will miss most about Doc's, is the people. Every single person I worked with, I loved with my whole heart. They're all such wonderful people. They're smart, funny, amazing, loving, caring... they're beautiful human beings. They're family. Doc's was our second home. Daniella has been there since the building existed. She's been there since day ONE. She saw it as The Ranch House, and she saw it as Doc's. She's been there for 4 years. Carrie has been there for 3, I've been there for 2, Jena's been there for 2 1/2... That's our second home. That's our family.. and.. it's all gone.

While we were packing up things, we took a bunch of bottles of liquor. I have a bottle of Skyy Orange Vodka and 3 beers in my trunk right now.. and Jena and Kristen have like, 4 other bottles of liquor. Rum, Jack, all of the above. We were all drinking all morning. Every single one of us.. and everyone knew. Scott didn't care. He let me have 2 beers.. Kristen gave me a bunch of Smirnoff Ice.. I've been drinking all day. After I left Doc's, I went to Jena's apartment and we drank some more.
So, total for today, I've had 6 Smirnoff Ices, 2 shots of Tequila, 5 cocktails, 4 shots of the Skyy Orange Vodka, 4 beers and 4 Rum and Cokes. I've been drinking since 11:30 this morning.. and didn't stop drinking until 6:45 pm.
I really don't feel good right now.
I'm not going to do my homework for tomorrow. I'm using my one free late. I'm just going to get a glass of water, take two asprin like Holley told me to, and I'm going to bed.
The last song I heard in Doc's was "We Are the Champions"... and right before I walked out for the last time, Daniella and I rang the "Last call" bell.. loud and clear.. and this time.. it really is last call.
Doc's.. I'll miss you. I loved your people.. I loved everything.

To my former co-workers... I love you all so much. I'm really going to miss you.
I love you I love you I love you.

Love always and forever my loves,
Jayme Lyn

I wish you all the best in life... you're all so very deserving of it.

Left her mark at |9:29 PM|

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

*Oh Gosh...*

So, Jeff and I took pictures yesterday for our digital photography class, and there's this one picture of Lake Ray Hubbard that we took, and Jeff threw a rock into the lake, and I caught the splash on camera... well... Jeff just photoshopped that picture.. and where the splash is.. we put the virgin mary over it to make her look like she's coming out of the water.. and then he animated it to make it really look like she's coming out of the water..
It's great.
Hhahahahahahahaha.

Left her mark at |1:35 PM|

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Friday, November 12, 2004

*Hmph*

Well, I guess things are going a little better today. Mom actually hugged me (because that's such a chore... let me tell ya..) Last night, she made dinner, and the first thing that popped out of her mouth was "Make sure Cecil eats."
I was like, "Um... ok? Isn't that HIS responsibility?" He's like, 53 years old!! He can do it himself! I promise!!

Ugh. I feel like I have a little brother sometimes.. I have to clean up after him.. I have to make sure he eats.. I have to make sure he's ok.. I have to keep tabs on him so mom knows if he's awake or if he's asleep...
HE'S A 53 YEAR OLD MAN!!! I DON'T CARE WHAT HE DOES! He has his life with my mother.. and I have my life. I really honestly don't care what he does. If my mom ever read this, she'd be like, "You SHOULD care! Look at everything he's bought for you! Your car.. he bought us this house... blahblahblah" Yeah.. ok. So.. because he buys me things I'm supposed to care? Not likely. That's not how you win my affection. You don't win my love by buying me things. The thought is appreciated and all, but, you can't buy love and affection. You just can't. I don't care if he never bought me a thing ever or ever again. It wouldn't make me like him any more or any less.
He's just... there. He has no real role in my life, and I like it that way. My mother has no real role in my life. I like it that way. And my father has no role in my life. And I like it that way.
I don't need change. I don't want it. I don't crave it. That's just all there is to it.

Well, class is about to start.. so I guess I better.. you know.. pay attention or something.

Left her mark at |8:06 AM|

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Wednesday, November 10, 2004

*It's funny...*

... how things can change.
It used to be that.. I talked to my mother all of the time and rarely talked to Cecil... and now it's completely flipped.
I haven't talked to my mother in 5 days. I haven't heard her talk to me nicely in 2 weeks. I haven't heard "I love you" from her in months. Sometimes I just don't care.. others.. it kills me.
Ever since she got married to Cecil, he consumes her time. That's ok.. that's her husband.
But I'm her blood.

I'm just... frustrated by her. I hate this feeling. She takes care of him better than she takes care of me.
She doesn't understand me. She doesn't know anything about me.
I don't want anything else from her.
I don't want anything. She asked me the other day, if she got something for me, what she would get in return, and I just looked at her and said, "Nothing.. because I don't want anything from you." "Why not?" "because I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I owe you something."
I think I just need to do something to get my mind off of this.

Left her mark at |5:38 PM|

______________________

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

*Awh. Fun times*

Today has been a fun day. :) This morning, Jeff and I met up at the school at 9, went to Northpark Mall and took our pictures, went to Chili's and then went to class!
He's so funny. I really like that... he has a sense of humor. A good one! "Acoustic pancakes". Ha.
Mm.. adorable.

I really don't want to go to class tonight. I mean, I know that.. I complain a lot about school, but I really do love it. I'm just really tired of some of the classes.
The ONLY classes I like are Fundmentals of Design, College Orientation, and SOMETIMES Computer Applications. That leaves: Digital Photography, Audio and Written Communication that I don't like. :-/

Oh well. I really don't want to go to class tonight. I want to stay here and work on my paintball video and finish it so I can get paid!

Ok, well, I'm going to look over what I've done thus far and then I'm off to school again.
Love you all
Jayme Lyn

Left her mark at |5:09 PM|

______________________

Saturday, November 06, 2004

*If all...*

...of my nights are going to be like this.. I'm going to shoot someone in the head with a tranquilizer dart filled with acid. I'm so bored. So restless. There's SO much I have to do.. but I don't have the energy nor the passion to do any of it.

I'm so bored.
I'm so... I think I'm going insane.. or I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.. because.. I want to go out.. but I don't feel like going anywhere.. and I could sit here and do my work, but I feel like I'm so locked up in here.. There are chains that bind me and I can't break away from them.

I'm really scared that something is wrong in my mind. I really think I'm starting to go insane and I hate it. I'm so frantic.. I can't help it. I really just.. BAH! I want to be done with everything that needs to be done but I don't want to spend the time doing it.
Wow. I think I just got into the wrong profession.

I had the BEST time with Holley on Thursday.. We both had a LOT of fun, and I think we finally broke through that whole.. awkward barrier that was "teacher/student". I think we've finally established our friendship. Which, is great. Because she's awesome.
See? I want to have a little fun every day. And I can't do that. I feel like I'm being tied down.. I want to do something. I need to get out, but I don't want to do anything. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:((::((::((:(:(:(:(:(:(::((:((:(:(:(:( Shoot me now.

I don't know.. I think I'm finally at that point where.. I'm ready to be "18" instead of 30 like I've always been. I'm ready for fun... but.. I'm almost.. scared.. to be 18. I'm scared to have fun. I'm just.. I don't know.

Sometimes, I just want everything to go away.. and this is one of those times.
I love you all...

Hannah and Leah and Donald got to go home today. YAY!

Major loves,
Jayme Lyn

Left her mark at |7:33 PM|

______________________

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

*Exact details on Hannah!!*

Hannah Elizabeth Boulter (Moore)
November 2nd, 2004
1:24 pm
17 1/2 inches long
5 lbs 10.7 oz.

I got to hold her today.
I love that little girl so much.

HER CRY IS ADORABLE!!! She sounds like a little bird/puppy when she cries! IT'S SO CUTE! AHH!!!

She's so precious.
They're worried about her though... she's not eating much.. and the doctors think she's lactose intolerant. :-/
But other than that.. she's perfect!!
But she IS considered a premie.
PREMIE!!!!! AHHH!!!!! SHE'S SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was the first one to hold her, too. :) (well, you know, besides the parents and the staff and such.. and Leah's mom.. but.. I'm the first NON-RELATED person to hold her!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Left her mark at |7:08 PM|

*Hannah Elizabeth Boulter*

(soon to be Moore)

My Goddaughter was born today. :) She's the most BEAUTIFUL baby I've ever seen... and I'm not just saying that because I'm partial. lol.
What happened, was, they gave Leah a steroid shot yesterday to help make the baby's lungs develop faster, and.. after she had the shot, she couldn't feel the baby move.. and that worried her, so, she asked the doctor to check her out and see what was going on. They did some movement tests on her, and she only got 2 out of 10, so that wasn't good. They hooked up the heart monitor to monitor the baby's heart beat and Leah's, and the baby's heartbeat dropped below 90.. she wasn't dealing well with the steroid. So, today around 1 o'clock, Donald calls me (her fiancee) and tells me that she's in having a c-section; an emergency c-section. So, I'm guessing, somewhere around 2:00, baby Hannah Elizabeth was born. I got to the hospital around 3, Nichole met me there. We went up, Janet took us back to recovery to see Leah.. she looked SO out of it. The nurse at the desk kinda gave a dirty look when Janet asked if I could go back there.. she was like, "Who's she?" and Janet goes, "Her best friend that's been taking care of her the WHOLE time she's been here." and the nurse lady said, "Fine. But just for a minute."
Haha. I think it's great... everyone up there knows me now. After Nichole and I ran back to my house to get my camera, we came back and asked the nurse at the front desk when they were going to open the blinds to the nursery, and she was like, "Soon.. they already took the baby out that they needed to." and I go, "What.. baby.." and she says, "Not your baby! Haha. She's still in there. :)" lol. It was great.
Then, we went to the nursery, and they opened the blinds to the windows.. and there was Hannah. :) Nichole and I were the first ones to see her (besides the doctors and nurses and parents). I loved it. I love it. I was the first one to feel her kick.. I was one of the first to hear her heartbeat, and I was the "first" one to see her after she was born. She's so gorgeous.
She has Donald's eyes, and Leah's nose, cheeks and mouth. OMG I love that child.
The SECOND I saw her, I fell in love with her. She's only been on this earth for 11 hours or so, and already I would give my life for her. That's my God-daughter. That's my "niece". And I would gladly give my life for her.
I didn't think it was possible to love someone this much. My heart is just.. overflowing with love for that little tiny baby.

Hannah Elizabeth Boulter (Moore)
November 2nd, 2004
5 lbs 10 oz.
I love you my little tiny angel.


I'll post pictures tomorrow.

Left her mark at |2:35 AM|

*Hannah Elizabeth Boulter*

(soon to be Moore)

My Goddaughter was born today. :) She's the most BEAUTIFUL baby I've ever seen... and I'm not just saying that because I'm partial. lol.
What happened, was, they gave Leah a steroid shot yesterday to help make the baby's lungs develop faster, and.. after she had the shot, she couldn't feel the baby move.. and that worried her, so, she asked the doctor to check her out and see what was going on. They did some movement tests on her, and she only got 2 out of 10, so that wasn't good. They hooked up the heart monitor to monitor the baby's heart beat and Leah's, and the baby's heartbeat dropped below 90.. she wasn't dealing well with the steroid. So, today around 1 o'clock, Donald calls me (her fiancee) and tells me that she's in having a c-section; an emergency c-section. So, I'm guessing, somewhere around 2:00, baby Hannah Elizabeth was born. I got to the hospital around 3, Nichole met me there. We went up, Janet took us back to recovery to see Leah.. she looked SO out of it. The nurse at the desk kinda gave a dirty look when Janet asked if I could go back there.. she was like, "Who's she?" and Janet goes, "Her best friend that's been taking care of her the WHOLE time she's been here." and the nurse lady said, "Fine. But just for a minute."
Haha. I think it's great... everyone up there knows me now. After Nichole and I ran back to my house to get my camera, we came back and asked the nurse at the front desk when they were going to open the blinds to the nursery, and she was like, "Soon.. they already took the baby out that they needed to." and I go, "What.. baby.." and she says, "Not your baby! Haha. She's still in there. :)" lol. It was great.
Then, we went to the nursery, and they opened the blinds to the windows.. and there was Hannah. :) Nichole and I were the first ones to see her (besides the doctors and nurses and parents). I loved it. I love it. I was the first one to feel her kick.. I was one of the first to hear her heartbeat, and I was the "first" one to see her after she was born. She's so gorgeous.
She has Donald's eyes, and Leah's nose, cheeks and mouth. OMG I love that child.
The SECOND I saw her, I fell in love with her. She's only been on this earth for 11 hours or so, and already I would give my life for her. That's my God-daughter. That's my "niece". And I would gladly give my life for her.
I didn't think it was possible to love someone this much. My heart is just.. overflowing with love for that little tiny baby.

Hannah Elizabeth Boulter (Moore)
November 2nd, 2004
5 lbs 10 oz.
I love you my little tiny angel.


I'll post pictures tomorrow.

Left her mark at |2:35 AM|

**


Hannah Posted by Hello

Left her mark at |1:04 AM|

**


Hannah Posted by Hello

Left her mark at |1:04 AM|

**


Hannah Elizabeth Posted by Hello

Left her mark at |1:03 AM|

*Hannah Elizabeth Moore*

(soon to be Moore)

My Goddaughter was born today. :) She's the most BEAUTIFUL baby I've ever seen... and I'm not just saying that because I'm partial. lol.
What happened, was, they gave Leah a steroid shot yesterday to help make the baby's lungs develop faster, and.. after she had the shot, she couldn't feel the baby move.. and that worried her, so, she asked the doctor to check her out and see what was going on. They did some movement tests on her, and she only got 2 out of 10, so that wasn't good. They hooked up the heart monitor to monitor the baby's heart beat and Leah's, and the baby's heartbeat dropped below 90.. she wasn't dealing well with the steroid. So, today around 1 o'clock, Donald calls me (her fiancee) and tells me that she's in having a c-section; an emergency c-section. So, I'm guessing, somewhere around 2:00, baby Hannah Elizabeth was born. I got to the hospital around 3, Nichole met me there. We went up, Janet took us back to recovery to see Leah.. she looked SO out of it. The nurse at the desk kinda gave a dirty look when Janet asked if I could go back there.. she was like, "Who's she?" and Janet goes, "Her best friend that's been taking care of her the WHOLE time she's been here." and the nurse lady said, "Fine. But just for a minute."
Haha. I think it's great... everyone up there knows me now. After Nichole and I ran back to my house to get my camera, we came back and asked the nurse at the front desk when they were going to open the blinds to the nursery, and she was like, "Soon.. they already took the baby out that they needed to." and I go, "What.. baby.." and she says, "Not your baby! Haha. She's still in there. :)" lol. It was great.
Then, we went to the nursery, and they opened the blinds to the windows.. and there was Hannah. :) Nichole and I were the first ones to see her (besides the doctors and nurses and parents). I loved it. I love it. I was the first one to feel her kick.. I was one of the first to hear her heartbeat, and I was the "first" one to see her after she was born. She's so gorgeous.
She has Donald's eyes, and Leah's nose, cheeks and mouth. OMG I love that child.
The SECOND I saw her, I fell in love with her. She's only been on this earth for 11 hours or so, and already I would give my life for her. That's my God-daughter. That's my "niece". And I would gladly give my life for her.
I didn't think it was possible to love someone this much. My heart is just.. overflowing with love for that little tiny baby.

Hannah Elizabeth Boulter (Moore)
November 2nd, 2004
5 lbs 10 oz.
I love you my little tiny angel.


I'll post pictures tomorrow.

Left her mark at |12:41 AM|

______________________

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

*OMFG*

For short.
Why the hell am I freaking out?!
Oh.. yeah.. that's because Leah's in the hospital right now GIVING BIRTH. AND I'M NOT THERE. I still have two more hours of class. She's having a c-section.

It's 12:54 in the afternoon. Leah's having the baby. I'm not there. I want to leave.
I can't concentrate.
I hate this.
Nichole.. if you read this.. CALL ME AT 3

Left her mark at |1:53 PM|

*M... wait.. *

No... fucking title again.

I'm.. bored.. to say the least.
There's nothing to do in this class... our teacher is talking about photographing people.. and getting chased like a pedofile in a park.

... Ben hasn't called me since yesterday. Heh. Think he got the hint? I hope...
"Call me back if you care."
Hmph. I showed him!!!!

Ok, I'm gonna go now... teacher might come over here and read that I think he's boring.

Left her mark at |11:31 AM|

*OMFG*

For short.
Why the hell am I freaking out?!
Oh.. yeah.. that's because Leah's in the hospital right now GIVING BIRTH. AND I'M NOT THERE. I still have two more hours of class. She's having a c-section.

It's 12:54 in the afternoon. Leah's having the baby. I'm not there. I want to leave.
I can't concentrate.
I hate this.
Nichole.. if you read this.. CALL ME AT 3

Left her mark at |1:53 AM|

*Ummm*

I really hate not having a good title.

So, Ben won't leave me the fuck alone. I want to bash his teeth in with a baseball bat and a bottle of 40. He calls and leaves messages like, "Hey.. I just.. *silence*.. Just call me back so I know you care... if you care... " and then he hangs up.
GUILT IS NOT THE BEST WAY TO GET MY "AFFECTION".
Why the hell is he so obsessed anyway? I feel bad for saying that.. he's a REALLY nice guy.. he's sweet, funny, caring, kind, cute.. all of the above.. but he's annoying as hell.
Sometimes, I'd rather go out with an ebola ridden gibbon monkey than have to put up with his 50 phone calls a day.
Hmph. I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a butter knife and a crayon and feed them to seagulls piece by piece...

Ok.. I think I just made myself sick.
WHY THE HELL AM I STILL UP!?
I need to get some freakin sleep. I have to be at school tomorrow morning at 8 am for Jalon's film thing. I told her I'd help her with her film thingy. My class isn't even until 12. :-/.
Oh well.
Ok.. it's 11:47.. I still have to read 7 chapters for my midterm tomorrow.. HAHA.
"Good luck on that one, Jayme Lyn."


So, this is how my conversation with Lance went this morning.
"Me: Yeah, I'm totally not cute again today. I think I just don't care. I'm wearing the same jeans, a black shirt with a light gray long sleeve shirt underneath.
Lance: Hmm... Am I still talking to Jayme Lyn????
Me: .... yeahh... um.... what?
Lance: I'm talking to Jayme, right?
Me: ...Yes...
Lance: OK.. THEN YOU'RE CUTE!!!"

Haha.. he always makes me feel good. I love that.
Too bad he's gay. If he were straight, we'd be the PERFECT couple. Seriously.
He's my best friend.. (well, BOY friend). I love him to death.
We always have the best time :).

"Whut nigga... whut?"
lol
I love you Lancey-pants. You're my favorite diva.

Goodnight all!!
Jayme Lyn

Left her mark at |12:50 AM|

______________________

Sunday, October 31, 2004

*PART of a survey*

lol.. I didn't feel like doing the whole thing..
So.. here's part of it.

IN ONE TRY..TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR:

FINGERS: Jayme
CHIN: jahyme
ONE FINGER WITH EYES CLOSED:jsymr
CHEEK: jauym, r
ELBOW: jayme
LIPS: jabyme
PALM: jag mes
BACK OF HAND: jaymew
NOSE: jayme
TONGUE: jayme

hmm... i'm a little too good at that.

Left her mark at |12:55 AM|

______________________

Friday, October 29, 2004

*So freaking TIRED*

I'm in class.. again. When am I NOT in class at 8 o'clock in the freaking morning? :-/
It's gotten to the point now where.. when I leave in the mornings, I'm so tired that I shut my insides off and go on autopilot. I don't even remember driving here this morning.. I remember brakeing a lot, but I don't rememeber driving.
I am in SERIOUS need of some frikin JAVA over here. lol.
Anyway.. on the bright side, I GOT MY PHONE BACK YESTERDAY!!! GET EXCITED! lol. I have my pink-ish-ness back. WOOT!
Hmm... anything else to write about?
Yeah.
So, I totally blew Ben off yesterday.. I promised him we'd hang out, and then I just never answered his calls. hehe. I'm such a bitch. I don't do that with every guy.. just Ben. :-/
And then Bryan treats this whole thing like we're in a relationship. I'm like, "DUDE. You live in LUBBOCK." It's ok though. I'd like to be in a relationship with him.. just.. not.. long distance.
I need to call him today. I miss talking to him and I feel REALLY bad that I've been a little busy lately and HAVEN'T talked to him. :(:(:( <3 Bryan.
And Jeff.. he's cute.. I guess.. but he's 24.. and.. I don't know where he's from, so I only see him on Mondays and Tuesdays. :-/ But I like him. :) He's HILARIOUS.

So, let's tally this up here.

Ben: kinda cute, really annoying, weird kisser.. *shudders* leaving for army in two weeks.. A WEEK AND A HALF! REALLY attached, really clingy, really DEAF when it comes to remembering things and hearing things correctly. I tell him I'm going to be in class from 6:30 - 9:30, and he calls me at 8 wondering where I am. >:O

Jeff: Really cute, really funny, really nice. Seems like a real sweetheart. And I like that. Way adorable.

Bryan: Gorgeous. SMART. REALLY SMART. He wants to be a history professor. :) So sweet, so genuine, so caring, so funny, just... amazing. Bryan = Amazing. <3

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *slams face into keyboard*

Left her mark at |9:06 AM|

______________________

[[*To leave a note, scroll down.*]]

[[*The Girl*]]

Name : Jayme Lyn
DOB : May 25th, 1986
Alias : JL, Angel, Pixie
College: Art Institute of Dallas
Contact: angelyn2000@yahoo.com

[[*My Adores*]]

Books: The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Drinks: Water, Cream Soda, Dr. Pepper
Pastimes: Drawing, painting, singing, acting, directing
People: Leah, Nichole, Jerri, Angel, Noelle, Kaylan, Holley, Lance
Season: Fall and Winter

[[*My Detests*]]

People: No one
Things: Rude people, bugs
Season: Summer, Spring

[[*Movies Playing*]]

Mean Girls, New York Minute, White Oleander, When Harry Met Sally

|September 2004|October 2004|November 2004|December 2004|January 2005

[[*The Notes*]]

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